My Tendency

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get smart or if I’ll continue in my same tendencies.

I tend to hold onto grudges.
I tend to think that I’m not made for being a Mom.
I tend to stop thinking when I’m around guys.
I tend to think with my heart instead of my head.
I tend to keep a heavy wall around my heart.
I tend to worry that God’s going to walk away from me.
I tend to not want to try anything for fear of failure.
I tend to fear that my boys will grow up to hate me.
I tend to curse more often than I should.

I’ve spent some time the past few nights unable to sleep.  I’m worried about my sister.  I see myself in her eyes so much.  There’s something in there just screaming out, shouting “how did I let myself get here!?”.  She, too, let her tendencies take over.

Years of bad choices have brought us both to places we never thought we’d be.  Years of tendencies have torn me apart.  Because of her tendencies, I’m now the caretaker of my sister’s 5 month old son.  Because of my tendencies, my boys have two different fathers.  Because of my tendencies, both of my boys are growing up without a father.  Because of my tendencies, I won’t let a good guy anywhere near my heart.  Because of my tendencies, I’ve pushed countless people away.  Because of my tendencies, I have a hard time trusting God.  Because of my tendencies, I feel utterly alone more often than not.  Because of my tendencies, I’ve disappointed more people than I’d like to count.

But…because of my tendencies….I have two beautiful boys who mean everything to me.  Yes, I realize that my boys did not come about in the best possible scenario.  Yes, I realize that I’m probably doing more damage to them than I’d like to image by raising them as a single mom.  But none of that matters when I look in their eyes.  It’s terrifying to think that I’m what they have right now.  They rely so much on me.  I’m Mommy – the one who is supposed to protect them and keep them from harm and love them more than they’ll ever know.  I think I’ve got that last one down.

I want to be the Mommy to my boys that I never had.  I want to leave all of my own tendencies behind…the ones that my own Mom clung to so tightly.  I can’t be the Mom I want to be if I keep holding on to them.

Jesus…take away my tendency.

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~ by underthecedars on November 21, 2008.