heartache

Sometimes I wonder where it comes from, that unexplainable heartache that hits you in the strangest of times.  Like when you’re sitting at your desk playing stupid computer games.  Or when you’re at work, making a coffee for the jolly caffiene-addicted patrons.  Or when you’re driving down the freeway and the tears start tickling your eyes.  Or when you’re sitting in your kitchen, watching your children play in the snow.

I don’t understand what God is doing right now.  He’s breaking me down.  I didn’t think I could get much more broken than I already was – but I guess that’s what I get for thinking I had it all figured out.  That’s what I get for thinking I’m on top of the world and that I don’t need His brokenness.

Funny.  Guess He’s showing me.  I’m just so tired of the heartache.  I so want to be able to sing along with Over the Rhine, “What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be….” I’ve seen the beauty in some of the heartache.  I’ve glimpsed a lot of the beauty that comes from the heartache that enveloped my heart these past few months.  I’m sure there’s more beauty to come, I’m just not sure how much longer I have to wait.  How much more heartache do I have to endure?

Jesus, my sweet Savior, please…turn this heartache into something beautiful.  I know You will, for You promise that everything works out for our good if we love You.  Help me to rest in that truth, knowing that you will turn this heartache into something beautiful.

Loneliness.

“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”
-Mother Theresa

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone to share my life with.  Someone who can hold me after a long day at work.  Someone who can rejoice in my boys’ growth with me.  Someone who can be a Dad to my boys.  Someone who I can pour my heart out to.  Someone to make me breakfast every once in a while.  Someone to take over when I feel like I’m falling apart.

Isaiah started walking this week.  My 10 1/2 month old baby is walking all over the place.  He’s getting into everything.  When he took his first steps, I called all of my sisters and told them.  I called my little brother Adam and told him.  They were all excited…but part of me so desired to have a Special Someone to be excited with me.  I mean, I couldn’t even call my own Mother because she doesn’t care.  I wish I had someone to sit by my side and enjoy these milestones with me.

Being a single Mom is brutal work.  I feel like I’m failing my boys day in and day out.  I love them with all of my heart, but how much better off would they be with a Dad in their life too?  Will I ever learn to open my heart and trust someone?  I’ve got an incredible guy at church who is so interested in persuing something with me, but I’m so scared…

I’m so tired of being lonely.

Time-Limited Forgiveness

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ forgave you.”

Ephesians 3:31-32

Back in September, I had a challenge placed before me: forgive someone who had hurt me deeply and whom I’d held a grudge against for seven years now.  Seven years of bitterness.  And then someone had the heart to tell me the other night that I’m not moving fast enough in my struggle to forgive this person.

Really?  Does forgiveness have a time limit?  If it does…I’m in big trouble.  Years of bitterness won’t dissolve overnight.  If I have to go to this person right now and tell her that I forgive her, it would be a forced forgiveness…which really isn’t forgiveness at all.  I’m not ready to forgive her yet.  I’m getting there….slowly.  Inch by inch.  But is it terrible that I’m not there yet?  Should I be more like my Savior, always ready to forgive?

I don’t know that my heart can be always ready to forgive.  Especially in this situation.  There are so many things I need to work through and so many scars that need to be torn away before I can be at a place where I can say, “I forgive you”.  I can’t get there overnight.  I can’t be given a time limit.

My Tendency

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get smart or if I’ll continue in my same tendencies.

I tend to hold onto grudges.
I tend to think that I’m not made for being a Mom.
I tend to stop thinking when I’m around guys.
I tend to think with my heart instead of my head.
I tend to keep a heavy wall around my heart.
I tend to worry that God’s going to walk away from me.
I tend to not want to try anything for fear of failure.
I tend to fear that my boys will grow up to hate me.
I tend to curse more often than I should.

I’ve spent some time the past few nights unable to sleep.  I’m worried about my sister.  I see myself in her eyes so much.  There’s something in there just screaming out, shouting “how did I let myself get here!?”.  She, too, let her tendencies take over.

Years of bad choices have brought us both to places we never thought we’d be.  Years of tendencies have torn me apart.  Because of her tendencies, I’m now the caretaker of my sister’s 5 month old son.  Because of my tendencies, my boys have two different fathers.  Because of my tendencies, both of my boys are growing up without a father.  Because of my tendencies, I won’t let a good guy anywhere near my heart.  Because of my tendencies, I’ve pushed countless people away.  Because of my tendencies, I have a hard time trusting God.  Because of my tendencies, I feel utterly alone more often than not.  Because of my tendencies, I’ve disappointed more people than I’d like to count.

But…because of my tendencies….I have two beautiful boys who mean everything to me.  Yes, I realize that my boys did not come about in the best possible scenario.  Yes, I realize that I’m probably doing more damage to them than I’d like to image by raising them as a single mom.  But none of that matters when I look in their eyes.  It’s terrifying to think that I’m what they have right now.  They rely so much on me.  I’m Mommy – the one who is supposed to protect them and keep them from harm and love them more than they’ll ever know.  I think I’ve got that last one down.

I want to be the Mommy to my boys that I never had.  I want to leave all of my own tendencies behind…the ones that my own Mom clung to so tightly.  I can’t be the Mom I want to be if I keep holding on to them.

Jesus…take away my tendency.